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My apologies for the long delay between posts as things have been super busy here. The holidays occurred, the flu hit our house with a vengeance, a business trip to Las Vegas, and a new job position at work all decided to happen at once which is why when the possum in the backyard returned enough was enough (for more background on check out the previous possum post here).

Back in late December the possum that had been terrorizing the neighborhood had met its end. I wasn’t going to write about it but a second possum reared its ugly head last night and like a team of well-trained possum assassins (myself, Ken, and the neighbors Manoj, Kelli, their kids Arun and Anju *sidenote – visit her blog here*) set out to do battle with the new possum which was obviously out for blood and revenge. Before I go into that I need to tell the story of the notorious first possum’s death.

Also – before I start I do need to say there was no joy in killing these possums. They were a danger to our animals and to our kids. This story isn’t to get entertainment out of animal death either but to highlight that this isn’t something normal neighbors do to bond together and the fact that Bravo needs to get their sh*t together and offer us a reality show.

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

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The Possum Hunters

It all started with this event a few months ago during the summer:

Readers who get my email – you’ll have to visit the page to see the video.

Def worth it.

**Disclaimer: No dogs were hurt in the making of this post**

 

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Christmas Card Politics

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The Christmas Cards finally came in!

Actually, the cards were in mid-October (I’m all over this bitch for 2012) but over the past few weeks we’ve dealt with T.’s football games, H. taking 3rd place overall in the National Acrobatics Competition, and M.… well M. has been busy staying pretty… or cheerleading… or both? I just know she puts on a dress-thing and jumps around. Whatever. Gurl looks good.

The final topping on the schedule from hell cake is Ken’s grandma died a week or so ago. There might be a “memorial” post later on but I have to get Ken to preview it because we have VERY different memories of his grandmother.

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Ken & his grandmother taken right after she fought off a home invader.

He remembers his grandmother giving him candy as a child and all the times they had fun when he took her to the store. I remember the times she tried to curse me (stay tuned for the “Book of Curses Story” if/when the memorial post gets written!), the time she tried to turn the kids against me on our trip to Atlanta, and the time when I pulled the 6th vacuum cleaner out of her hoarder-esq apartment when we moved her to her daughter’s (Ken’s mother) house a year ago.

Can you see why Ken might be nervous about that post?

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First, I want to start off by thanking every single one of you who has helped make this blog go viral. The stats right now say that I’m getting about 4,000 individual views a day and for the several days after the Zombie Photo post went live we were getting roughly 4,000 individual views an HOUR.

So in the misquoted words of Sally Field, “YOU LIKE ME. YOU REALLY LIKE ME.”

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–Sally Field Werq’n It–

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Red Stem Diaries

So Ken’s birthday was last week, which means according to our deal, at 39, I can finally place him in a nursing home. Okay. So maybe that wasn’t the deal, which is probably for the better because I can’t cook for myself. Although after two days had passed, he threw his back out so a nursing home might be the safest place for him.

On Thursday, we decided to take the kids out for a nice dinner to celebrate. We sat down at a table (a FAR back table, where no one could hear the kids bicker.) Ken and I ordered some SUPER butch Mai Thai drinks which both arrived at the table with a cherry on top. Our youngest asked for my garnish and then loudly announced to the entire restaurant that she can tie the stem in a knot inside of her mouth.

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That may have been when I died. Or passed out. Or possibly just went into shock.

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About a year ago, the family decided to get a portrait shot of us. But the photos needed to be unique.

I remember growing up and being forced to sit still and take boring photos with the entire family. My dad had to bribe us and one of my siblings ended up crying.

Every. Single. Time.

But not this time. Not in this family.

We needed Zombies. There is no crying when it comes to zombies. Unless they are eating your face. And I’ve seen enough zombie movies to avoid getting my face eaten.

Below is the result of Ashley’s hard work at Luke Austin Photography.

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