The Christmas Cards finally came in!
Actually, the cards were in mid-October (I’m all over this bitch for 2012) but over the past few weeks we’ve dealt with T.’s football games, H. taking 3rd place overall in the National Acrobatics Competition, and M.… well M. has been busy staying pretty… or cheerleading… or both? I just know she puts on a dress-thing and jumps around. Whatever. Gurl looks good.
The final topping on the schedule from hell cake is Ken’s grandma died a week or so ago. There might be a “memorial” post later on but I have to get Ken to preview it because we have VERY different memories of his grandmother.
Ken & his grandmother taken right after she fought off a home invader.
He remembers his grandmother giving him candy as a child and all the times they had fun when he took her to the store. I remember the times she tried to curse me (stay tuned for the “Book of Curses Story” if/when the memorial post gets written!), the time she tried to turn the kids against me on our trip to Atlanta, and the time when I pulled the 6th vacuum cleaner out of her hoarder-esq apartment when we moved her to her daughter’s (Ken’s mother) house a year ago.
Can you see why Ken might be nervous about that post?
BACK TO THE CHRISTMAS CARDS!
Christmas cards are traditionally sent to friends and family to wish them happy holidays and a fantastic new year. We are going to do that. It’s a great time to catch up with people and show them how much the kids have grown in the past year. In the last year alone T. grew to about my size. One day scientists will discover that kids grow faster with healthy amounts of daily sarcasm.
But there is also this joy I get from sending my family’s Christmas card to people I hate.
For example: the homophobic asshole that was in my MBA cohort.
He is getting a Merry Fucking Christmas Middle Finger in mailbox this year.
Any friend I have on Facebook who decided to go to Chick-Fil-A Day.
There is just something about going down my shit list and spreading holiday “cheer” that gets me off.
The fun doesn’t stop there though. Deep within festive card is a well thought out message meant to drive the most socially conservative insane.
It begins with “Happy Holidays” because nothing is more exciting than participating in the “War On Christmas.” If they want to make it a war on social values than I’m bringing a bazooka.
“Happy Holidays” is followed up with “From Our Family To Yours” which works in two ways: The first is that they have to acknowledge us as a family and the second because we are wishing something on their family. It’s the equivalent of being at risk to “catching the gay.” After all, a case of the “gays” is very contagious. You can’t just wait it out and recover like you can with your virginity.
Everything comes together with a photo of all five of us happy and smiling. The picture is the most crushing blow because the people I send these joyful revenge cards to have ugly kids. And if they don’t have kids yet, then I pray to Lady Gaga that the kid hits every branch as he falls down the ugly tree… or that they simply are barren.
WOAH. That got REALLY DARK, REALLY FAST. Sorry. Not sure where that last part came from.
I’ll make it up to you guys at the end of this*.
*Note: As I type this post Ken is reading over my shoulder and wondering what type of psycho he married.
This One, Obviously.
The only sadness I get out of the entire event is the disappointment from not getting to watch the face when they open the card (much like how the kids feel when Ken and I get them excited for presents, say they are getting a new puppy for Christmas but get them socks instead).
The final bit of trolling happiness I get from all of this is the mental anguish from the friends that will inevitably get a card and after reading this blog will wonder which intensions I had when writing their name and address down on the envelope.
The thoughts I imagine as they open the card:
Did I ever piss Evan off? No… I think we are cool…
If I did, has he already gotten me back???
Wait. My parents haven’t called in days…
OMG! I JUST FINISHED EATING CHILI!!
DID HE MAKE ME EAT MY PARENTS??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“”Do you like it Scott? Do you? I call it Mr. and Mrs. Tenormen chili.”
Only Santa will know the answers. ;-D
As I promised, I’ll leave you with this photo of Ken recycling because it still makes me laugh.